The Swaying Queen

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Deadpan. Emotionless.

And that is being “Poker face”.

I have been recently promoted as Manager of Audit, Training and Hiring by one of Tim Hortons’ ambassador franchisee here in Ontario, Canada. Back then, I have the tendency to be a sensitive striver and an inability to hide it during inopportune times and that my facial expression often gave them a clue of my emotion. And roughly 85% percent of the team member and staffs would say that I have a knack for connecting with other and inspiring trust within a team.

One day, as I present my plan on how will I deliver my job role, a person on a table interrupted everyone and showered me with series of scrutinizing concerns and objections. While trying to remain diplomatic, keeping my cool and composure. I failed to hold on to it. My voice began shaking, hands started to tremble and it led me to struggle in coming up for answers. Such an embarrassing moment. It made me realize that as a leader, in the future situation I should always be prepared to put a poker face as a wall.

Eventually, I have developed to strengthen my “poker face”, wherein I regulate my emotions by not giving them a hint of how I will respond through my neutral vocal tone. I became good at that. Needless to say, I mastered it. People started to ask me “How did you maintain that poker face? Is it always necessary to display such controlled facial expression?“. One of the excerpts that I’ve read says, that a skillful leaders can put feelings on display but there are also certain situations where we have to use raw and unfiltered emotions. And no matter any workplace event, how people express their reactions can be a challenging one.

As days passed by, I realized a poker face doesn’t necessarily mean suppressing or avoiding your feelings or being dishonest it. It simply means regulating an emotion by being aware of your facial expressions, gestures and body language and using them strategically.

Mind your body language.

You need to appear less cold and stoic. Leaders will be more susceptible to success if they can still radiate warmth in their facial gesture.

When you choose to use a poker face, you don’t want to appear like a cold, stoic statue. You’ll be more successful if your facial expressions maintain a touch of warmth. Take a few slow, deep breaths to calm your emotions, and imagine releasing all the tension from your face. That could include loosening your jaw and moving your tongue away from the roof of your mouth. Try softening your gaze, too. If you’re feeling tense or anxious, you may inadvertently narrow your eyes or stare fixedly at something, so try focusing on a point in the distance to relax your eye muscles. 

Maintaining a poker face involves tending to your tone of voice. Speak low and slow. Reduce your rate of speech, which may speed up if you’re angry or fearful. Speak from your diaphragm (your lower abdomen) to produce a deeper and more resonant voice. Find neutral phrases that move the conversation forward but don’t give away your position, such as “that’s interesting” or “help me understand…”

Select situations wisely. 

A poker face isn’t suitable for every situation, nor should it be a consistent way of communicating. Concealing too much, too often can make you appear less trustworthy, competent, and likeable. Often in leadership, your team, colleagues, and customers need to see how you react in order to feel psychologically safe and to inform their own decisions. So how do you decide when to put on a poker face? Ask yourself:

• How will expressing my emotions help or hinder my goals? If you’re trying to build relationships and rapport, using a poker face may come across as insincere or uninterested, whereas if you’re negotiating, it may be advantageous to protect your position.
• What’s my role in the interaction? For example, if you’re leading a meeting, you may want to display more confidence and assertiveness, whereas if you’re a participant, you may want to display more openness and receptivity.
• How appropriate is it for me to show vulnerability in this context? Consider whether the situation calls for a more guarded approach or whether it’s appropriate to be more open, along with your personal style and what feels more authentic to you.
• What are the norms of the people or organization I’m communicating with? Different cultures and groups have different expectations around the expression of emotions. Adjust your behavior accordingly.

Interrupt your inner eruption.

The better you can self-regulate, the easier it will be to express your emotions in a way you feel proud of. You can practice responding, not reacting, with simple tools to calm your nervous system: 

• Grounding techniques: Count backward from 100, identify five things in the room that are a certain color, or clench and release your muscles. 
• Visualization: Imagine a peaceful, calming scene, such as a beach or a forest, and try to picture yourself in that environment. 
• Cold exposure: Hold a glass of ice water, suck on an ice cube, or splash your face with cold water.

Remember, having a poker face doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions or being robotic. It’s about being mindful of your facial expressions and body language in order to communicate effectively and achieve your goals. Trust in your ability to stay cool, calm, and collected no matter what challenges come your way. 

Identify your tells. 

In the game of poker, a tell is a slight change in behavior that can give away whether you have a good hand or a bad one. Identifying your tells — the physical or behavioral cues that give away your emotions or intentions — can be useful to help you control your response and maintain a poker face in appropriate situations. 

As you interact with people throughout your day, observe yourself in different contexts. Take note of any patterns that arise when you’re calm versus when you’re feeling nervous, worried, angry, or stressed. Perhaps you run your fingers through your hair, sway or rock in your chair, or avoid eye contact. A longtime tell I’ve worked on curbing is my tendency to bite or pick at my nails when I feel like I’m under pressure. 

If possible, record yourself in different situations and review the footage to look for tells. You can also ask a trusted mentor or colleague to reflect back patterns they’ve seen that you’re not aware of. 

***Opinions expressed here are the writer’s own and not by any organization.